You've Changed
Yes, I have, and so have you.
I love fall. If you know me, you know I love fall. The leaves changing, the bright green turning into vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow. The temperature transforming from warm summer evenings to crisp fall nights. The sun sets earlier, the fire cracks louder, the coffee feels warmer, the sweatshirts feel comfier, the comforter feels safer, and the air feels brisker.
Fall, a time of transformation, both seasonally and personally. Each fall I venture home for the holidays, and I realize that while my surroundings have changed, so have I.
In full transparency, there is something about this feeling that is both exhilarating and unnerving. Each year as I return home, I am a new version of myself, and the leaves that carefully fall onto the ground are a clear reminder that we are not the same people as we were when we left for college.
There is something comforting in this.
There is comfort knowing that I always have a place I can return to, where my family and longtime friends are. A group of people where, upon arrival, will always accept the version of myself that I am at that current time. A setting where we can all sit around and reminisce on the days and memories that feel like yesterday.
There is also something incredibly uncomfortable about this.
There is an uncomfortable feeling of being able to look in the mirror and seeing all that has changed since the last time you were home. Maybe, it is because we have to let go of who we were to become who we are meant to be, and by doing this, we can see the differences right in front of us.
Where I am from, while the seasons change, the environment has stayed relatively the exact same. The houses are all in the same place. Sure, there are one or two new developments, but for the most part, when I return home, I only really notice a new road that is paved over.
In LA, everything is so fast paced. We are moving at a mile a minute to fit everything in. For me, I wake up at 6 AM, drive to Venice to go to pilates, drive home, shower, change, make a coffee, get ready for the day, and then go to all of my classes prior to returning home, finishing homework, writing a blog post, and then watching a little TV before bed.
But, in the Midwest, there is no need for rushing, because the lifestyle finds the sweetness in the slowness. Each day begins a little slower. There is no traffic to account for, there is no need to scramble for parking before a workout class. Reservations are not necessary because walk-ins are expected. All of these things are the same as they always have been.
So, as I travel home from, I am reminded that not everything needs to be done at a rapid rate, and that while many things in my life have changed, many things that I may have forgotten about have stayed the same.
Something about this is so comforting, but something about this is so discomforting.
So, what now? Well, I guess that just means, that if you are feeling a little on edge like I am returning home for the holidays, perhaps finding places where you can achieve comfort in the discomfort is important.
For me…
That means watching Formula 1 races on the couch with my daddio, or staying up until 1 AM binge watching a meaningless series with my momma.
That means listening to my sister, TK’s music or grabbing a diet coke with Pooch, while we slowly run through the mandatory semester long debrief.
That means returning to my favorite yoga studio, daily, for my favorite classes.
That means going to the bookstore and cozying up on the couch with my puppy and getting lost in the pages as the fireplace crackles next to me.
That means sleeping with the windows open, appreciating the crisp air and soundless evenings.
That means taking the puppy on a walk and listening to an audiobook, as I look around and see the leaves change.
For me, finding comfort in the discomfort means accepting who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. That means surrounding yourself with people who support your, and spending time with the people who mean the world to you.
So, yes, when we come home, there is that overwhelming feeling of being a different version of yourself, but I guess that makes the sweetness in the small moments even sweeter.
xx,
sunshine, the ultimate outsider