I realized something at this unbelievably early hour in the morning. While I was sitting in a coffee shop, sipping on my green tea after a lovely walk around Manhattan Beach at sunrise, something popped into my head. I began to wonder: perhaps if Carrie had just detached, then maybe she wouldn't care so much if Big was moving to Paris. Yes, we get it, girl—he is moving to Paris, and the way he went about it was WRONG. I stand by that. But does it have to completely take over Carrie’s mind?
Carrie Bradshaw, the fictional character who has shaped so much of what I talk about on here, has, to me, become a great example of the way so many women don’t want to act. We don’t want to let a man run our lives, dictate our schedules, or change our dreams. But at the end of the day, sometimes, they do. Why? Oftentimes, I believe it’s because we aren’t aware of this, and until we are, we’re hypnotized by the idea of something new, like a fling, or something steady, like a boyfriend.
Think about it in the context of right now, in this current day and age. How many times have you heard someone say, “Ugh, he is just so perfect for me, but he doesn’t want me, what do I do?” Probably over and over again. I’d even bet you’ve said that to yourself. But the thing is, if they don’t want you exactly the way you are, then how do you just let go? How do we stop ourselves from jumping off the high dive into delusion land?
Just detach.
Okay, outsider, we get it. But isn’t that so much easier said than done? Yes, of course it is. I can say "just detach” all I want, but at the end of the day, those who know me know I’m still working on this—but who isn’t? If you’re confused by what detaching means, allow me to explain.
What is detaching?
In a conversation with my roommate this morning, she said something that got me thinking. A few days ago, she read something about detachment, which she told me was:
Detachment doesn’t mean that you numb yourself to pain or rejection (insert any negative feeling), but instead, you are okay with what you cannot control.
When she said that, I was immediately transported back to Costa Rica, where I completed my second yoga teacher training. As a yogi, here’s what I can contribute to that statement.
Instead of detachment, we introduce this concept as non-attachment. At its core, we learn that in order to walk closer to the end goal—enlightenment (basically meaning freeing ourselves from all that doesn’t serve us, experiencing deep peace and wholeness)—we must practice non-attachment, which means letting go. Whether we’re talking about emotions, materialistic things, etc., we must simply learn to let go of what we cannot control or do not need. Why? Because (speaking in a general sense here) it is not the things in our life that bring us joy, but rather the moments we share in the present.
There is no better time to introduce you to one of my favorite yoga sutras.
Yoga Sutra 1.12
Yoga Sutra 1.12: abhyāsa-vairāgya-ābhyāṁ tan-nirodhaḥ
Okay, what does this mean? Simply put…
abhyāsa-vairāgya-ābhyāṁ tan-nirodhaḥ = Practice and dispassion stop the modifications of the mind.
Once we let go and achieve this, we’ll be able to let go of the frustration we find with other people’s decisions, and rather, find peace with what we cannot control. Comfort will present itself within our discomfort, and hopefully, we’ll be a step closer to quieting the mind from its constant turmoil.
So, how do you get this special someone to like you? You don’t. You just become so okay with the things you cannot control that the disappointment, if they don’t reciprocate, will not feel so personal. Then? Then you can carry on with your life as you please, knowing that you now have the grace to handle the frustrations that present themselves.
xx,
sunshine, the ultimate outsider
(P.S. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you for you? Just a thought.)
photo from Pinterest!